The philosophy of being Kinky

So there's this girl, May she's a leather crafter and totally cute. The boy and I dated her a couple months ( I know I know I was a triad and I didn't post?) and then he and she broke up and she and kept dating. Anyways long story short we broke up a while back and I just still want to be with her.
(I wonder if I am doomed to always be longing after someone I can't be with? despite being poly)
I am not used to being rejected but she just was the one who put me in my places. And to be fair I was pushing her limits but I hardly think that's grounds for breaking up with someone.
meh.
I just want a pretty girl to tie up and have my way with. No, Not a pretty girl- Her.
Ugh. I am not good at being rejected. It makes me either act like a puppy dog or want to force her. I donno she says she's giving me a second chance but I don't know where I stand.I want her to be my submissive and belong to me but I need to be respectful...bleh.
I am dating two other girls but I don't know if either of them is anything serious I like Jane but It seems like she has crazy drama in her life and I am kind of over that. Mind you the girl gives me butterflies but it seems like she wants to move out of state and has nothing in her life but work and drama and I just don't really want to be a part of that so if she can keep her drama out of my life maybe something will happen but I don't know.
Then there's Faye she's sweet but has never kissed a girl before and is kind of into vengeance from how I've seen her deal with exes and such so I am pretty unhappy about that - who wants to date someone they know will do crappy things to after you break up?

May she's inexperienced in BDSM and I want to give her some slack. She's got some baggage but I don't know I connect with her. And the chemistry is ridiculous between us, I just smell her and my nipples get hard I touch her and my panties get wet. I worry partly I am being distracted by my body but I miss her mentally as well. I like how she described wanting our relationship to be. And I know she's afraid to get involved when I have a primary partner. And she'd rather be in a triad.
le sigh.

I highly recommend you check out the Sit on Kinky Santa's Lap contest on Fetlife. They are very cool people and have some very sexy prizes they're giving away this year to all you naughty boys and girls ;)

I see you out of the corner of my eye in every blond boy that walks by.
I close my eyes and dream about you.
I walk through campus and every building acts as a cue
to remind me of you.
Every fallen leaf reminds me of the fall when I visited you.
Every stolen glance at the cloudy sky.
I don't even try.
And every time my new boy comes by
all his failures reflect the perfections of you
like a photo negative layered over you.
I try to not see the view,
but I am still reminded of you.

He always a agrees
being with him's all to easy
he's stable overly agreeable.
We never fight like you and I used to
our fights back then had passion and weren't over anything
With him it's all seriousness and darkness
He never screams at me
or understands the dark side of passion like you do.

And I miss so much more of you
I miss the arguements more than you.

I miss your goodness
you're faith and your despair
I miss how you saw me as I wanted to be.

We used to say we'd never find another like eachother
I never believed it fully
and now I do.

Goddess I miss you.

The 5 hour conversations and coffee
the allure of your world so different and the same.
Your compliments, your languages
your way with words
the memory of your tongue
no no I try but these things can never escape my memory.

It's so easy to forget your depression
and the crushing weight of loving someone who doesn't love himself
and how badly I needed to be with more than just you.
Maybe it's just the same now and I'll miss the snuggles and the way I can cry in front of him
but it just won't be the same
it'll never be the same.
It never is.

I got suspended the other day, it was awesome. I went to a leather tasting for leather pride week (an event were you can try out different toys and types of BDSM) and had a fabulous time.
I tried out a violet wand (too stingy for me but light touches were interesting), Pressure points ( with my Aikido background a lot of it seemed natural to me and reminded me of how badly I need to start doing take downs again-such fun!),  Single tail whips (I hated receiving but if I ever had a masochist lover again I would love to learn, beautiful to watch the experts use them they could vary it from ticklingly light to OMG FUCK OW with just a gentle flick- amazing).
My boyfriend really like the Violet Wand and the Tens Machine we were both susprised to discover he really liked electricity play (he had always thought of it as extreme pain or wires hooked up to your gentilia) so that was interesting (We're planning to pick up a violet wand and some of the basics once we've got steady incomes).
But my favorite thing I tried by far was suspension Bondage I've never been suspended before (never had a good place to be suspended or an experienced enough top). The lovely gentleman who tied me up  tied a japanese style chest harness (very simple yet effective) and  then tied my thighs seperately  (so my side carried most of the weight- I still have some very hot rope bruises on my side) and then finally my feet. He swung me back and forth (think a full body rope swing) it was really fun. Everyone seemed to enjoy watching me giggle  as a flew backa nd forth across the room at one point he pulled me to the furthest end above his head and which point I start  squeeling "oh my god no no no -WHEEEEE" as a swung back and forth. I got very into sub space by the end and my boyfriend had fun swinging me using my hair (felt awesome he could be very gentle since I was suspended). It was an amazing experience I can't wait to get a chance to do it again.

I have been doing more and more kinky home crafts. I made a knitted flogger, and now cuffs. My next project I want to do is a knitted straight jacket (pattern from naughty needles). Can't afford all the lovely kinky toys I'd like with this economy.
However I am rediscovering the creativity of kink. Go to the dollarstore or a craftstore and see how many kinky things you can find for under 10 dollars. It's fun and minimal investment in your retail therapy.
Dollar store toys I have collected thus far: collar, kitty toy, santa hat, duct tape, saran wrap, massage oil, candles (check tempatures and try on yourself first if you intent to drip on a submissive personally I just like the romantic lighting.) childrens belts which are now cuffs/collars or just plain belts for giving a good thwack to the submissive.
Other things to look for that may be more to your taste: wooden spoons, pet bowls, dog chew toys (could be used for a gag...), elf hat, ribbon ( bondage or kitty play), rubber gloves, childrens toys (for age play), fake hair extensions (role play),
please for the love of God(dess) sterilize everything before using on your sub and check to make sure it's not toxic if it's going to be  in contact with muscous membranes (mouth,Pussy, or ass).

Personally with the holidays coming up I have considered instead of letting the sub go shopping tying them up in a well lit room and making them listen to christmas carols for hours. Truly this is far worse torture than I could devise. Good luck surviving the holidays!

So.
Fetlife. the awesomest of all social kink networks in my opinion (The forums my god, I can spend hours reading about how to  make whips, train submissives or nifty little things like the chain trick)

Anyways this holiday they are giving away 5 kinky christmas stockings in a drawing. So if you have a fetlife-yay- go enter- if not go get a fetlife and be over joyed with the connections, people and endless awesome forums.

The desperation has drained out of our sex,
and the sensuality hasn't really seeped in.
And though I screamed when I came last week
I think it's just not the same as it once was.
And my fingers do their walking on my skin
because you just can't seem to reach that place within.
and I love you
but I don't know what you think of me
I want to peel these secrets from your skin
I know I am flawed but what are the ones
that itch at you, get under your skin.

Do you still want me more than you did
do you care if I stay
Or would you love me more when I run away
it's easy to love a mystery.

I am good at running away,
but not so good at trying to stay.
Though I've got something good
it's not as good as it might be
and that's where trouble starts everyday.
still I want you anyway.

don't leave bruises on me if you don't love me,
don't grapple with me like it's a game
don't flirt with me when I mention my boyfriend.

I hate how you remind of him
you the the certain someone
it never worked out with
who got under my skin
but I don't want you under my skin

I don't want the bleeding under my skin.

don't bruise me if you don't love me
don't bruise me unless I ask you to
unless I love you.

only then when I look at them
I smile
only then,
do you like you to pull my hair
only then will I like you to force me down
on your cock, lips parted and breathing raggedly.
you make me a little crazy
a little too turned on
to think rationally.
sex in bathrooms
sex in bedrooms
sex anywhere.

But please don't touch me
don't do anything
don't love me
if you can't stand to see me cry
if you can't stand to see me fall apart
it'd be better not to love me at all.

"If we're only going to break up what's the point?"
That's the trouble with being a cynic when you're young and dating.
I suppose I should think about life experience and enjoying the present.
still... morbid thought isn't it?
It's not that I am afraid of getting involved, but rather how we keep things at arms length long enough to get bored and break up. I am afraid of that happening to me. Afraid he's going to keep me at arms length emotionally.
could I blame this on blood sugar dropping from the super rich dessert? or not having sex on his birthday? or something else entirely?

I donno.
ah the stupid uncertainty of dating.

Usually I don't do the fan girl thing... it's silly and embarrassing. I am happy enough to date real people. But everyone does develop celebrity crushes- I mean really who could  help falling for  Johnny Depp, Violet Blue or Graydancer? ok... perhaps my geekiness comes into play here.
But my point is this, we all have that idealized person we fall for, it helps if they're further away, easier to imagine them as less prone to fault.
But honestly it's the faults that always get me, the awkward smile when they trip, the funny way they say certain words, it's endearing. It's the parts you learn to love.
Sure not all of their flaws are adorable or even likable, but you accept them, agknowledge that that is part of the deal, you take them as is. That's the whole point of love, it let's you accept real people into your heart, it lets you forgive and accept and love their individuality or conformity. With celebrity crushes it's just the opposite, you love them for the false version of themselves.... unfortunately we make anyone into a celebrity, your best friend or dog could be one if you worked hard enough on ignoring their flaws.
My point is this, living in a fantasy world does you (and your lover especially) no good, it's no fun and it's immature. You may even find if you let go and just enjoy them as a person you'll like them better *gasp*.

ok that was my rant of the day.

actually I am really happy right now,  (ah the power of snuggling), not that you'd get that from my little rant.

I wonder how hard it would be to teach my boyfriend how to do a hog tie... I mean it's a little difficult to explain when you're the one being tied up and can't see what he's doing. Hm...that reminds me I need to buy some more rope....I think Sparatus only has that "silk japanese bondage rope" stuff but I am not sure. meh. I should really look into that if I want to get tied up, I think my boyfriend's just a shade too vanilla to go rope shopping by himself. Mildly kinky people are interestingly like that, they're interests just stop short of a certain point, they'll tie you up but won't properly learn the knot work, they'll order you around ( or be ordered around) but verbal humiliation is an iffy concept or they don't bother asking safe words. It's almost dangerous- their ambivalence toward kink.
I guess that's why I lent him SM 101 and am working on getting him used to safe words and negotiating scenes. (Though I am having more trouble with the later, he's much more of a spur of the moment kind of guy). It's weird having the tables turned and suddenly being "the weird kinky one". Which is particularly strange since I would hardly consider the stuff I am into extreme....well maybe the knife play, but to me it's more about the psychological aspect of it. Ah, who ever said "it's only kinky the first time" had it right.