The philosophy of being Kinky

I see you out of the corner of my eye in every blond boy that walks by.
I close my eyes and dream about you.
I walk through campus and every building acts as a cue
to remind me of you.
Every fallen leaf reminds me of the fall when I visited you.
Every stolen glance at the cloudy sky.
I don't even try.
And every time my new boy comes by
all his failures reflect the perfections of you
like a photo negative layered over you.
I try to not see the view,
but I am still reminded of you.

He always a agrees
being with him's all to easy
he's stable overly agreeable.
We never fight like you and I used to
our fights back then had passion and weren't over anything
With him it's all seriousness and darkness
He never screams at me
or understands the dark side of passion like you do.

And I miss so much more of you
I miss the arguements more than you.

I miss your goodness
you're faith and your despair
I miss how you saw me as I wanted to be.

We used to say we'd never find another like eachother
I never believed it fully
and now I do.

Goddess I miss you.

The 5 hour conversations and coffee
the allure of your world so different and the same.
Your compliments, your languages
your way with words
the memory of your tongue
no no I try but these things can never escape my memory.

It's so easy to forget your depression
and the crushing weight of loving someone who doesn't love himself
and how badly I needed to be with more than just you.
Maybe it's just the same now and I'll miss the snuggles and the way I can cry in front of him
but it just won't be the same
it'll never be the same.
It never is.

I got suspended the other day, it was awesome. I went to a leather tasting for leather pride week (an event were you can try out different toys and types of BDSM) and had a fabulous time.
I tried out a violet wand (too stingy for me but light touches were interesting), Pressure points ( with my Aikido background a lot of it seemed natural to me and reminded me of how badly I need to start doing take downs again-such fun!),  Single tail whips (I hated receiving but if I ever had a masochist lover again I would love to learn, beautiful to watch the experts use them they could vary it from ticklingly light to OMG FUCK OW with just a gentle flick- amazing).
My boyfriend really like the Violet Wand and the Tens Machine we were both susprised to discover he really liked electricity play (he had always thought of it as extreme pain or wires hooked up to your gentilia) so that was interesting (We're planning to pick up a violet wand and some of the basics once we've got steady incomes).
But my favorite thing I tried by far was suspension Bondage I've never been suspended before (never had a good place to be suspended or an experienced enough top). The lovely gentleman who tied me up  tied a japanese style chest harness (very simple yet effective) and  then tied my thighs seperately  (so my side carried most of the weight- I still have some very hot rope bruises on my side) and then finally my feet. He swung me back and forth (think a full body rope swing) it was really fun. Everyone seemed to enjoy watching me giggle  as a flew backa nd forth across the room at one point he pulled me to the furthest end above his head and which point I start  squeeling "oh my god no no no -WHEEEEE" as a swung back and forth. I got very into sub space by the end and my boyfriend had fun swinging me using my hair (felt awesome he could be very gentle since I was suspended). It was an amazing experience I can't wait to get a chance to do it again.

I have been doing more and more kinky home crafts. I made a knitted flogger, and now cuffs. My next project I want to do is a knitted straight jacket (pattern from naughty needles). Can't afford all the lovely kinky toys I'd like with this economy.
However I am rediscovering the creativity of kink. Go to the dollarstore or a craftstore and see how many kinky things you can find for under 10 dollars. It's fun and minimal investment in your retail therapy.
Dollar store toys I have collected thus far: collar, kitty toy, santa hat, duct tape, saran wrap, massage oil, candles (check tempatures and try on yourself first if you intent to drip on a submissive personally I just like the romantic lighting.) childrens belts which are now cuffs/collars or just plain belts for giving a good thwack to the submissive.
Other things to look for that may be more to your taste: wooden spoons, pet bowls, dog chew toys (could be used for a gag...), elf hat, ribbon ( bondage or kitty play), rubber gloves, childrens toys (for age play), fake hair extensions (role play),
please for the love of God(dess) sterilize everything before using on your sub and check to make sure it's not toxic if it's going to be  in contact with muscous membranes (mouth,Pussy, or ass).

Personally with the holidays coming up I have considered instead of letting the sub go shopping tying them up in a well lit room and making them listen to christmas carols for hours. Truly this is far worse torture than I could devise. Good luck surviving the holidays!

So.
Fetlife. the awesomest of all social kink networks in my opinion (The forums my god, I can spend hours reading about how to  make whips, train submissives or nifty little things like the chain trick)

Anyways this holiday they are giving away 5 kinky christmas stockings in a drawing. So if you have a fetlife-yay- go enter- if not go get a fetlife and be over joyed with the connections, people and endless awesome forums.

The desperation has drained out of our sex,
and the sensuality hasn't really seeped in.
And though I screamed when I came last week
I think it's just not the same as it once was.
And my fingers do their walking on my skin
because you just can't seem to reach that place within.
and I love you
but I don't know what you think of me
I want to peel these secrets from your skin
I know I am flawed but what are the ones
that itch at you, get under your skin.

Do you still want me more than you did
do you care if I stay
Or would you love me more when I run away
it's easy to love a mystery.

I am good at running away,
but not so good at trying to stay.
Though I've got something good
it's not as good as it might be
and that's where trouble starts everyday.
still I want you anyway.

don't leave bruises on me if you don't love me,
don't grapple with me like it's a game
don't flirt with me when I mention my boyfriend.

I hate how you remind of him
you the the certain someone
it never worked out with
who got under my skin
but I don't want you under my skin

I don't want the bleeding under my skin.

don't bruise me if you don't love me
don't bruise me unless I ask you to
unless I love you.

only then when I look at them
I smile
only then,
do you like you to pull my hair
only then will I like you to force me down
on your cock, lips parted and breathing raggedly.
you make me a little crazy
a little too turned on
to think rationally.
sex in bathrooms
sex in bedrooms
sex anywhere.

But please don't touch me
don't do anything
don't love me
if you can't stand to see me cry
if you can't stand to see me fall apart
it'd be better not to love me at all.

"If we're only going to break up what's the point?"
That's the trouble with being a cynic when you're young and dating.
I suppose I should think about life experience and enjoying the present.
still... morbid thought isn't it?
It's not that I am afraid of getting involved, but rather how we keep things at arms length long enough to get bored and break up. I am afraid of that happening to me. Afraid he's going to keep me at arms length emotionally.
could I blame this on blood sugar dropping from the super rich dessert? or not having sex on his birthday? or something else entirely?

I donno.
ah the stupid uncertainty of dating.

Usually I don't do the fan girl thing... it's silly and embarrassing. I am happy enough to date real people. But everyone does develop celebrity crushes- I mean really who could  help falling for  Johnny Depp, Violet Blue or Graydancer? ok... perhaps my geekiness comes into play here.
But my point is this, we all have that idealized person we fall for, it helps if they're further away, easier to imagine them as less prone to fault.
But honestly it's the faults that always get me, the awkward smile when they trip, the funny way they say certain words, it's endearing. It's the parts you learn to love.
Sure not all of their flaws are adorable or even likable, but you accept them, agknowledge that that is part of the deal, you take them as is. That's the whole point of love, it let's you accept real people into your heart, it lets you forgive and accept and love their individuality or conformity. With celebrity crushes it's just the opposite, you love them for the false version of themselves.... unfortunately we make anyone into a celebrity, your best friend or dog could be one if you worked hard enough on ignoring their flaws.
My point is this, living in a fantasy world does you (and your lover especially) no good, it's no fun and it's immature. You may even find if you let go and just enjoy them as a person you'll like them better *gasp*.

ok that was my rant of the day.

actually I am really happy right now,  (ah the power of snuggling), not that you'd get that from my little rant.

I wonder how hard it would be to teach my boyfriend how to do a hog tie... I mean it's a little difficult to explain when you're the one being tied up and can't see what he's doing. Hm...that reminds me I need to buy some more rope....I think Sparatus only has that "silk japanese bondage rope" stuff but I am not sure. meh. I should really look into that if I want to get tied up, I think my boyfriend's just a shade too vanilla to go rope shopping by himself. Mildly kinky people are interestingly like that, they're interests just stop short of a certain point, they'll tie you up but won't properly learn the knot work, they'll order you around ( or be ordered around) but verbal humiliation is an iffy concept or they don't bother asking safe words. It's almost dangerous- their ambivalence toward kink.
I guess that's why I lent him SM 101 and am working on getting him used to safe words and negotiating scenes. (Though I am having more trouble with the later, he's much more of a spur of the moment kind of guy). It's weird having the tables turned and suddenly being "the weird kinky one". Which is particularly strange since I would hardly consider the stuff I am into extreme....well maybe the knife play, but to me it's more about the psychological aspect of it. Ah, who ever said "it's only kinky the first time" had it right.

I want to touch myself, It's been a while since the hand that has gotten me off has been my own. After all who knows what you want like you do? knows to let the hands run over the breasts, the ribcage and then briefly tease the thighs before sneaking into my panties. What hands knows how I like to twirl my pubic hair, smoothing, pulling and shaping before teasing the labia lips, finding that wetness, diving just deep enough to tease, to pull the my own wetness out and gently touch my clit.

Roll over and sigh, teasing just enough to get me even wetter, so wet I can press and finger deep inside of me, pressing the g-spot then back to the clit before sliding two fingers back inside me, my breathing getting fast. I like the slow build and then as soon as I get worked up pressing myself over the edge, when I am with someone else they might as well drag it out, find that trick that let's me come again and again and again. But for myself I want to take my time. build to the one perfect full orgasm, not cut off or questionable or sharp or painful as it can so often be with another's hand.
Long sighs.... deep breaths....rub my clit as I manipulate the vibrator into place hard against my g-spot. My cunt so tight as I gasp...gasp...gasp....ahhhh.......and it's like falling on a roller coaster, like the taste of the first ripe strawberry, like a firm smack from a paddle. pure delight.

I forgot to write about sex in the library (I am rather pleased I got to enact that one), or on the hill over the city lights or in the bathroom of the school.... I forgot to mention my new boy with his lovely lips and clever tongue. Of kissing him goodbye so long I didn't think I could stop...

I had forgotten the feeling of having a scream of pleasure caught in the back of your throat or the little sounds, almost squeeks humans make. How he can make me breath so fast my hands and feet get tingly. Buzzing with electricity.
I forgot how when you sleep with someone you start to miss their hands and arms to clutch at night when you sleep apart. Or how excited men can get just by seeing you.... How easily a kiss or a touch can turn from tender to teasing with them.
I love the little growl he makes when he's turned on. the thrill of feeling his orgasm coming, the skin tightening around his balls and then that sigh, the slipperly liquid reward left on my hands or breasts or stomach.

it's been so long....

Did you miss me my loves?

sorry for the long delay between posts.... lots going on.

I have to say my new boy toy is rather impressive- I've never known someone who could get me so worked up from kissing. I haven't been kissed like that since I was in high school and would spend hours making out with my girlfriend. That intense soft then hard kissing that goes on so long and is so intense that you forget to breath and get light headed. It's been a long time since I've had someone who mixed both passion and tenderness. Tenderness seems to be a rarity for me, actually in all honesty I've avoided it hoping to avoid getting emotionally involved, it was far too late for that, but it left me in an interesting place.
It's strange after all of my crazy relationships that I could just sit back and watch explode to see one that isn't imploding from the start. It makes me nervous I am going to screw something up terribly.
Isn't that always the way with new relationships?

I always love figuring out what makes them squirm -is it nibbling along the jawline or nipping at his nipples? Soft kisses on the neck or biting hard enough to bruise? can I leave marks? what does he look like naked? is he shy about his body or is nudity second nature? Will he wear a condom for a blow job? Does he look into my eyes when I writhe in pleasure from what his fingers are doing to me?

I sounds like we're both into bondage and (maybe) light SM so that's a good start.  He loves to play with my hair, he pulls on it like reins or just playing with it. He can actually hold a conversation and isn't afraid to talk about his past or listen to me complain about mine. So far so good.

So I know you're wondering where the sex scene is coming (pun unintentional)  up. Well, no sex yet. Sorry, for an idea of what I mean by intense kisses here's my goodby kiss last night.

We kissed,me on tiptoes, hands around his neck, his hands rested on my back and the curve of my ass. It's 3 or 4 in the morning and no one is in sight in the lobby. He presses my back against the wall- hard. Kissing me he runs his hands up under the baggy sweater and finds my breasts, tweaking the nipples and then circling them teasingly. His tongue and lips are so soft and persistant, I think I forget to breath because the only air I have is the air from him. We break apart breathing heavy his head rests on my shoulder, my head on his chest. We need not say it, but we do anyway. "I know I told you I liked teasing, but God..." "I am sorry I should stop" I whisper back, breath still ragged. "No, don't stop, never stop." He said and kissed me pressing his lips hard against mine.

I found this fragment today and it seems to go along with this well....

I want you
In the raw unfettered deep way
The depth and strength of a river – all appears calm on the surface
but the depths stir, they pull you under,
they drown you.
Crushing air out of your lungs
Don’t breath
Don’t breath
Don’t breath just yet. Keep kissing me just a moment more.

Kissing is sometimes over looked- at can be ignored or only treated as a stepping stone in most erotica, porn or what ever else, It's considered too romantic to be raw, Although a staged kiss may not be hot unless it involves some aspect of taboo to some people it is most definately in real life. To often we miss the opportunity to look at our sexuality holistically- sure sex is  fun, but so is having your lover bite all down your back, having a naughty discussion of what you're going to do next time you see eachother or having you ear nibbled on. Sexuality as it's portrayed and as it's lived as separate entities.

Now if you'll excuse me I believe my copy of SM 101 has just arrived....

  So, today I was doing what I always do when pull out nice warm laundry on a rainy day- snuggle up with it while it's still hot before folding it.
Pressing my face and neck and nose into the clean warm clothes. And then I yelp- bondage pants are not cuddly -especially when hot. (rubs neck) Next time, I check to see if those are in there next time. :P

So i was just reading this article about the "new monogamy" *coughhipsterswhoswingcough* and came across a list of definitions at the end- most of which are trying a little too hard to be vogue in my opinion. but I came across this on

"Make-out party : Events open to the public where semi-nudity and above-the-waist fondling are encouraged. "

I thought "Oh,That sounds like so much yummy!"
 I love making out and being groped/groping people but am often not ready to jump in the sack with them and this just sounds like such delicious fun!  It reminds me of one of my friends parties We ate went skinny dipping in the hot tub and ate icecream and drank mikes hard lemonade and then ended up sleeping 3 to a bed, some of us pairing off others just cuddling nonsexually and in the morning dragging all the covers into a sunbeam and lying down while somebody cooked breakfast. 4 or 5 of us only in our underwear cuddling, resting our heads on stomaches and chests, playing with each others hair lazily. It can't really get better than that. (Did I mention my friends are really hot?)
I love the sensation of skin on skin I can't get enough of it. So lying in heap of people all smiling and relaxed is really just as fun as being post orgasmic (although maybe not as good as being post orgasmic in a heap of people....)
Ah that was a really nice night. and morning :). Just thinking about it makes me really happy. If I did that again (but with making out and fondling especially) I could die happy immediately after.

I will get around to writing a second part to the story I started- however it may take a while- so my apologies, maybe I can distract you with cleavage in the mean time.

I didn't really get the whole "shoes" thing until I found myself pressing my submissive at the time to the floor. Sure, dressing nicely makes you feel hotter but other than that shoes were just another accessory.

But when I felt my submissive's tongue pressing against the worn leather of my boot, I got it. in that instant I had total clarity. This was HOT. I felt myself grow wetter with each touch of his tongue along the leather of my boot his hands caressing the seams and ankle. When his tongue ran along the inside of my foot I can find no better word than bliss to describe my reaction.
I found myself tending my boots with special care, keeping them nice and clean and black. Fantasizing about another's mouth on them.
When i bought myself a new pair of knee high leather boots I ran my hands over them caressing them even pausing to smell them wondering what it would be like on the submissive's side. That's when the fantasy began running through my head. The sweet smell of the soft leather, the smooth touch of it on my tongue. I found my face pressed to the boots, my fingers between my legs.
Why are boots so indescribably hot to me?
I like shoes ok- but not in a sexual way really. I love the look of stockings and fishnets but still, not overtly sexual. Garters get my pulse a little higher but still nothing compares to leather boots. I love how they fit to a persons feet, they get worn in but don't break. They become a part of the person. I love the way they keep the scent of their owners, thriftstore boots, broken in already, well loved but still with plenty of life in them.  They're tough and resilient yet sexy. Strong yet pliable.  Some indescribable lure
Maybe it's the Danger of them....The damage they could inflict.
maybe it's the elegance.. the sexiness of the design, the phallic heels Surely nobody would suck, or fuck  the heel of a boot designs and society at large claim.....right.... that's not what the shoes are begging for at all.
There's a certain elegance in the arch of the foot. That needs no foot wear though.... Maybe it's simply sensation feet have are said to connect to every part of the body in eastern medicine.
Feet are so often ignored, abused, neglected, to touch, desire,  and worship that part of a lover shows such devotion and tenderness that it's not soon forgotten. To literally love someone right down to the soles of their feet.
Their very very sexy feet.....

I've been thinking about a scene, it's not really detail filled or even filled out but it's the concept that interests me.
It's not an elegant scene- in fact it's a messy take down scene filled with impromptu bondage impliments.

It doesn't really matter how it starts what matters is what she's wearing.
She's wearing bondage pants- you know the ones with d rings on the side of the leg and hips. And a black leather bracelet, It's leather with D rings on it also.
The part that interests me is doing a take down with only duct tape one of those carabiners people put their keys on sometimes and a knife.
I suspect the scene would start with me brushing up against her walking around her telling her terrible things I would do to her- how she belongs to me. Something like that.
At some point she gets nervous and bolts I grab her arm as she struggles clip the the carabiner onto her cuff and spin her around knife out of the pocket to her throat  she gulps  and I clip the carabiner to D ring at the far side of her waist her arm now twisted across her back. Her fingers wringle like a spider searching for the clip I twist it locking it in place. But I know her fingers will make short work of it. I press my hips to her rear keeping her hand pressed flat against my hip. This is when I spot the duct tape. drag her across the room to duct tape her fingers together. This is also when she tries to slip away and I grab her free arm  and as she struggles twist the tape around her fingers and thumb held still by my tight grip when I let her hand go she slaps me, I twist her free arm behind her back, tape the other hands fingers so she can't unclip the carabiner and with one hand pull up her shirt over her head so it rests around her neck and shoulders. I duct tape the free arm to her back- I know it won't last but her desire to keep from pulling the tape off would keep her from doing it too quickly. I press her to the ground so she's kneeling before stalking around to the front.
I lean forward with a taunting look in my eyes "now that's my good girl" I say mockingly. Perhaps she says something disparaging maybe she doesn't. either way I reach forward to  play with her breasts and pinch her nipples. She struggles I push her over and gently straddle her careful not to put weight on her arms pressed under her back I pull her forward by her shoulder so she's at and incline and force my tongue into her mouth. Deep hard kisses like I drinking her air. When I let go she turns and spits to the side and glares at me. Arm has gotten free she struggles to hit me I grab the hand  clutching it hard enough to make her wrist her I pull it close and kiss it I lean back adn stand pulling her up with  me and as she stands she finds the knife at her throat.
Perhaps I fuck her then. Or maybe I just spank her and tell her what a bad girl she's been before letting her go. Either would be fun.

I don't know if I could really pull off the scene without more struggling but the idea intrigued me.

Don't know what to do with it but here is the beginning of something

She had met him at  a cheap bar at the west end but that was all she remembered.
Her pussy was dry and sore and she seemed to recall she needed to shower, something  about cum in uncomfortable places. Like the back of her neck.
She recalled drinking the Martinis and the vodka and perhaps she had had some E, or was that last week? She couldn’t remember. All she really remembered as she tumbled out his doorway was she wasn’t wearing any underwear and her apartment was on West 23rd and she had $34 dollars in her pocket which might or might not be enough for a cab so she looked for street signs.
His name was Derek she remembered belatedly. He had offered to take her back to his place, the best she could do on short notice with only $50 dollars to her name.
Her boyfriend had kicked her out. Or maybe she had told him she didn’t love him any more it was still sort of blurry. She remembered something about another woman in their bed. She wasn’t sure if she had slept with the woman but she was sure he had.
With a thought like that she knew there wasn’t much to say, but she needed a shower and a bed and some clothes because if she didn’t get to her new gig as a waitress it’d be all over again and she’d have to come crawling back to him. Now she was just swaggering drunkly back to him on heels that would be attractive she wasn’t wobbling in them with every third step.
A gush of wind swept up behind her raising her short skirt high in the air. She reached behind her to hold her pleated miniskirt down although too late to keep her modesty, the whole street must have seen her cute ass. She felt a hand on the muscle between neck and shoulder, a strong hand, firm, she pulled away turning to face a short woman dressed all in black. “Hey,” the woman said softly pulling her long black coat from her shoulder and wrapping it around Jenny. “I am sorry about last night, you obviously weren’t in a state to talk, let alone walk out on that jerk.”
Jenny stared at her, that final piece clicking in place, this woman had been in her bedroom staring down at her naked boyfriend hungrily.
“you fucking bitch…”
“Please, I didn’t know he was cheating on you, let me buy you breakfast. Please?”
She said it with such sincerity,  her coat was warm and covered Jenny’s too short skirt. She hesitated. “This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you.” Jenny spat at last.
“ I know, I still feel I owe it to you, you don’t look like you’re in that great a shape”
She pursed her lips and said nothing. There was some truth in that but she would hardly admit to it to the woman who put her in this state.

ever since I began asking the question "who am I?" I quickly realised there were many conflicting aspects of who I am. Not all of them fit together in a stereotype. If they did I'd have split personality disorder. There is the sweet classy girl that keeps away from men and the slutty white trash girl with ADD. The dominating bitch and the gentle hippy bisexual, the dancefloor tease and the quiet klutz. Both are true. But they can't be accepted as being the same person by any other one person it seems.

One of my friends was talking to me about the appearance I put on and who I am in the bedroom. She calls me a stealth dominatrix. I don't try to deceive or mislead so much as I try to preserve the integraty of all aspects of who I am. I am sweet and shy and I am a sadist.

Sometimes I worry I will never find a partner who can fully accept and understand the many different sides of me without trying to put me in a box or dismiss the aspects of my personality that don't suit them. I want someone to take both the girl who makes cookies and gives back rubs to win people over and the girl who wants to draw blood and leave bruises on a lover for gratification. Someone who can reconicle the many aspects of who I am.
The bisexual who has a threesome with 2 guys and the virgin. The abusive dom and the switch who loves to be tied up and be erotically tortured. The classy dame and the white trash. The little girl and the woman who's seen too much.

I want too much. I want a soft gentle accepting woman and beautiful perceptive gender bender and a strong dom, a submissive male, a slutty girl who'll do anything and a prude. I want someone who makes me laugh so I don't always end up being the funny one. I want someone who draws me in with a shining light and I want a hidden gem. I want someone strong who can slap me around and I want someone I can beat to a pulp. i want someone intellectual with better taste in music than me. I want someone who thinks I am amazing and brilliant just as I do them. i want someone who sees beyond the pretty face and body and the damning aspects too.
I want someone to love me as much as I love them.
I am tired of being either not  loving at all or loving too much.

Do you feel it?
That moment passes by again.
We pause
let it pass.
There are only so many chances,
so many times,
we have that moment.
a subtle turn of the cheek,
the touch of a hand,
just a word
and it could all fall apart
or fall together.
It's that what love is all about
falling apart together?

We put on masks
and then we ask ourselves
why we are not touched
when we've reached unreachable
kept ourselves above.

Some one said to be me
he'd never seen me naked
though he'd seen me without clothes on
even seen him cum
played the strangest game
of love and want and lust.
I realise he'd never seen me naked
without my clothes on.
Even with nothing on
my shield's inpenetratable
even if my body isn't.

Who am I if I not me
what did I do this for
since it wasn't for me?
These sick games we play
the foolish things
all the pain
and breaking things
still I find here I am
and the road splits up ahead.

Am I gone
when I am not dead?
My body is here can you save it
if you touch me with some love
 you might revive the long lost dead
a girl I knew who used to love
a girl who used to know how to love.

Why is is our bodies can love
even when our minds can't yet love?
It goes in reverse
it's a funny thing
children might be onto something

Love is uncaring
on how it's received
it only gives
it does not deceive
no need to hide
simply offer.

We draw back burnt hands
lick our wounds
and now I ask
reach into the fire again.

 Have you ever had a lover- a friend- a coworker that simply smelling them set you off?
You can go about your whole day without thinking about anything remotely sexual and then you see them, walk up and talk, catch their scent and can't stop thinking about it until you've sated yourself half a dozen ways?

She's that way for me.
Let's call her  Katie, since that's her name anyway.
She smells like lavender and warm skin. like the foam of a latte. But mostly like lavender and sex.
 Even though I know better than to try and a attempt a relationship with her (coworkers- friends you know how it goes) the very scent of her drives me mad.

Today I saw her as i was getting off my shift. and the minute I walked close enough to catch her scent I wanted to touch her. As I moved closer I wanted to lick and bite her neck. When I hugged her goodbye I started invisioning fucking her.
As I drove home I couldn't help letting my mind wander and I still smelled her on my shirt. That sweet intoxicating scent.


Seeing her bend and her small yelps as I sucked her nipples nipping at her torso, trailing down licking and biting her thighs taking in the scent of her sex before slowly taking the pearl of her clit in my mouth, tasting her juices. Tangy and hot. Eating her out.

As I climbed into the shower she moved on to fucking me with her strap on. From behind in the shower, wet and hard her hands, my hands fingers moving along my clit. Her hands lside down my thighs and her tongue presses into my cunt teasing at first then hard wet. Good.

Maybe she had one of those double pentration harnesses. I imagine her fucking me with that, me begging to suck them. suck her. Her fingers pressing in my mouth silencing me, I suck them glorying in them. The taste, the feeling of blood just below the surface. Her still fucking me. Hard. rythemetically. Until I cum. i close my eyes happy to a vision of her.

I open my eyes, happy, soaking wet (in both senses of the word) alone in my shower.
Finally free of her.
Smelling of soap and sighing happily I wrap a towel around me.

So tell me do you have someone who's very scent sets you off?
I know - there are just some people who always do it for me.

It's rare when I can't even be friends with a former lover  but this seems to be the case.
pisses me off. Maybe it wasn't a game at the time but when I look back at it I can sum it all up into one phrase. Sexual Politics. The personal hang ups of both of us. The unspoken favors, the pity and lust. The neediness of it all.
The trouble with lovers is we pool all our needs and desires and fears and hopes into one person. And one person can't deal with all of that. We're not meant to.

Polyamory makes sense to me in a lot of ways, I don't just love ONE person at a time, I love many people, some sexually, some non-sexually. But personally I usually maintain interest in 2 or 3 people romantically/erotically at the same time. I am usually only dating one of these people because that's what's acceptable to most people.
But polyamory when it works it fun. There is something thrilling in knowing that if your date goes badly you have someone you love already at home and knowing that having another lover doesn't detract from your love of another. It confirms how much I love both people, not detracts from it.
When i get into the dating scene again I would love to try the polyamory thing again. But who knows how that will go.

How many times have you blocked a former lover online, how many times have you not picked up the phone? How often have you had the desire to erase entirely someones memory from your life?
Is it wise- is it foolish? Does it hurt you more than heal you?
Love has its dark reflection, every power play carries its risk.

Sometimes it pays off. You get what you've been needing for months....sometimes it goes wrong it hurts someone, leaves permanent scars (mental or physical). Most things can be forgiven. forgot. Let go of.
But not everything.
Usually I am the forgiving sort. i get mad, I get it out and I get over it.
But I keep doing that over and over with this former lover. It doesn't get better.

and finally thinking about never seeing him again, instead of being a burden, feeling guilt- it simply comforting.

Sometimes you just have to let go.